Life has been hard lately. Like really hard. Waves of grief come in and out over the loss of my brother, helping sick friends, helping sick family, struggles with fear and anger and worst of all… fighting what feels like a slowly expanding space between myself and Jesus… nothing more terrifying. Do you ever feel tired of fighting? Sometimes, I feel as though I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting for my place in this world, to prove my identity isn’t confined to this 3’11” body. Fighting against succumbing to worldly temptations and wanting to just throw my hands up and reach for things I know aren’t for me. Lately, pangs of doubt and fear have come to mind and have felt nearly impossible to fight. Hm, I’m reminded of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (the only C.S. Lewis book I’ve read in its entirety) when at the very end of the book (spoiler alert) Aslan walks away and Lucy wonders when he’ll be back.
“He’ll be coming and going” he had said. “One day you’ll see him and another you won’t. He doesn’t like being tied down–and of course he has other countries to attend to. It’s quite all right. He’ll often drop in. Only you mustn’t press him. He’s wild, you know. Not like a tame lion.”
Lately, it feels as though I’ve had to rely on (my very little) faith more than experience. I guess this is what it’s all about, right? This is where I found out if I’m a fair weather follower and turn my back to all of this and take hold of the things I’ve always felt entitled to. Do I have what it takes to endure? To press on and say Jesus… when I said you could do whatever you want in my life, I meant it and you are good in the good and you are good in the bad. Yes. Yes, I do. Lately, I had coffee with a friend and she was expressing how much she hates how hard life is for me all the time. It’s so easy to let that be what comforts me, to immerse myself in the fact that by worldly standards, my life has been very hard and fine, I’ll say it… extremely unfair. But the real truth is I have Jesus. He saved me and without that one fact, the aforementioned comment might be true. But the real truth is, regardless of what happens in this life, my life is good because He is good. And so…
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.” (Phil 3:12-16)
It’s funny how these things kind of bubble out of you. I originally wrote this post to share my thoughts on turning 30 in a couple of weeks, but this seems like a good stopping point.