Hope floats… and no, I’m not talking about the Harry Connick Jr kind… I’m talking about God-given, warm your heart, and sometimes terrifying kind of hope. The kind that pulls you out of trenches and at times so afraid you just might throw up. Hope has been on my mind a lot lately… what is it really, where does it come from and do I dare have it when times are desperate? The reason I think hope really does float is because I have noticed when times have been the most dismal, hope always manages to emerge from the rubble. I have no idea how this happens, but when all signs point nowhere that always means God is up to something. Lately, I’ve been feeling a new freedom to hope. Growing up, to hope for something meant to gamble. I could hope for a new shirt for my birthday but there would be that chance of disappointment. But I would just hope anyways. As I’ve gotten older though and as the disappointments have mounted and become increasingly heart breaking hope has become a bit scary. I have always known hope comes from God, so I used to think “Well… what if that means it doesn’t happen? Does that mean that God isn’t there? Is He mad at me? Do I deserve happiness” These questions have often prevented me from hoping because I was afraid of what the answer to those questions might be. These past few years I have gotten in a funk of “Oh I really hope this happens… uh oh, I mean, I will expect that it won’t happen, then if it doesn’t I will be surprised!” Well… I have come to realize that this is the wrong way of thinking. This suggests that life is kind of by chance, when the truth is God’s got this. He has it all under control and so long as we have our hope in Him, everything will be just fine. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that there won’t be disappointment, tears and let’s face it, utter confusion. But I’m countlessly reminded God is good and disappointment is temporary. Heartbreak is temporary. Steve (my pastor at Blue Sky) said this past Sunday that it’s okay to hope for something to happen and even if it doesn’t God is still good. What a relief. So, I’d like to raise my glass to hope. Hope for good things for you and me and above all hope in God’s promise. I hope for a long life for my dad, I hope for a Godly husband, I hope for kids someday, I hope, I hope, I hope.
Monthly Archives: June 2010
Today has been a hard day. Something that has given me hope though is this verse which I have been reading throughout the day over and over again. I want to share it because I think it’s one of those verses that everyone should have memorized.
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Reading this over and over has made me sure of this. Everything will be just fine… God is awesome.
Ever since God asked me to give up teaching, I have been aimless. Heather introduced this part of my life as the quarter-life crisis and that sounds about right. I have always been one of those people who need to know the next step. I dare say that my need to know the future flirts with neurotic tendencies. I think teaching was always such a comfort because I determined in 8th grade that’s what I would do and from then on I never needed to think about it again… it was just fact. Well, you can imagine my dumbfounded brain when God said “No” to grad school. I gave it up without too much pushback but still have that dumbfounded look on my face thinking… now what? Each day I work, it becomes clearer that this not the job meant for me. I feel as though I am in the awkward place between obedience to God and pursuing happiness. In some respects I feel as though I am back in 3rd grade dreaming up what I want to do when I grow up. The other day someone asked me to close my eyes and asked if I could be doing anything now what it would be. I closed my eyes, and I instantly saw flowers… many, many flowers. I saw flowers in Mason jars, clay pots, aluminum tins and rolls upon rolls of brown paper. I smelled a mixture of gardenia, rich soils and fresh-cut stems. From this image I can deduce that I was in a floral shop. Sadly, the flower business isn’t exactly what I would call blooming. Finding anything with any sort of benefits and pay comparable to what I make now has proven impossible which tells me that God’s got this. With this, I suppose we’ll see where He takes me. But for now, God has me here, and all I can do is pray, hope and wait… then repeat.
While I’m in the in-between though, let me give you a glimpse of what I see…