You know when you hate to admit something because it connotes somethings is wrong with you? Like when you were that kid with pink eye. Obviously, as a child, it’s almost out of your control and yet were treated as the village leper. Well, I don’t have pink eye. Oh no, for the past couple of months I have had something far worse. Ants. I feel like ants are kind of like the pink eye of adult life. You can’t tell anyone about it at the time. Why? Because you are viewed as dirty, sticky and as someone who obviously hasn’t invested in a quality chip clip. You seem to lose respect when you tell people. At least, that has been my experience. If it’s not disgust, then it’s pity. Anyways, so yes, I had ants, and it was bad. Don’t worry, I don’t have them anymore so you can unlock your doors and put away the wooden stakes. But let me tell you about it…
On an insignificant day, I was folding laundry while humming along to whatever was playing on my ipod. Probably Miles Davis. Something about Miles and laundry go really well together. Anyways, while I was folding I felt a phantom hair graze my arm. Since I shed like a persian cat, I thought nothing of it. When the phantom hair started to make it’s way up my arm, I knew something wasn’t right. I looked and there was an adorable teeny weeny ant making its way up my arm. I admired its perseverance and may have even smiled before taking it and placing it next to me on my carpet. I got up thinking, no big deal. It’s just one ant. Immediately, the quote from “A Bug’s Life” raced through my mind. “IF YOU LET ONE ANT STAND UP TO YOU, THEN THEY’LL ALL STAND UP TO YOU”… I have never heard such wiser words come out of a cricket’s mouth. I stopped and turned around to kill the ant and it was gone. It was at that moment I knew I was in trouble. From then on, it was a battle between me and the ants. I’m not going to lie, there were days where I thought I was going to lose. I would think they were gone, when in reality they just retreated for a couple days and came back stronger and grew exponentially. The spray bottle of windex became my strongest ally and I knew I was never fully safe. They hid in places my human eyes couldn’t see. The ants’ intelligence rivaled mine to an embarrassing point. I would sneak around my house hunting for gatherings that I terrorize. When I would find one, I would lift the spray bottle and the ants would freeze. This is not a joke. They would literally stop moving. My only thought is that they thought by their lack of movement, I wouldn’t see them. For something with a brain the size of a overgrown molecule, I must admit, that’s pretty cunning. Like any great war, I got to know my enemies well. I started to figure out when their peak hours for production were and also tried to anticipate where they would next set up camp. As I became stronger, I noticed they would work together more as a team. I am reminded of a little ant who somehow found a miniature chocolate chip and was dragging it across the kitchen counter. I became eye level with the counter and windex in hand. When I lifted the bottle to spray, a friend came to his rescue and helped him drag the chip. I was touched by the teamwork and almost didn’t spray. Almost.
It had been a while since I had seen any type of movement from my little friends, so I considered them defeated. Well, our Waterloo was last Tuesday. I was getting ready to leave for DC and as I was leaving I saw a dark shadow pass over my kitchen counter. When I looked closer, I noticed hundreds and hundreds of ants contaminating every spot of surface. As if being woken up in the middle of the night from an ambush, I panicked. I grabbed the windex, but knew it wasn’t going to be enough. The ants wanted one thing. Total domination. I don’t remember much from that point on. I just remember spraying. I sprayed until i only saw still, black dots. After DC, I knew I had to get stronger allies. By the end, the windex only seemed to make them stronger. I went to Safeway and purchased the two kinds of traps they had in multiples. But the real treasure was the can of ant spray that dominated my windex in size and most importantly, potency. As I was driving home, I thought to myself, you wanna dance ants? Jessica can dance. It ends tonight.
I got home and set up the traps every where they set foot. Then I sprayed in their normal places for retreat like under the sink and in the corner of our bathroom. I went to bed that night feeling safer and certain that I had finally finished it. I woke up Wednesday and there was not an ant in sight. I am happy to report there hasn’t been a sighting since Tuesday night.
I must admit ants, you were a worthy opponent, but at the end of the day I’m bigger and I’m stronger.