I woke up one day a couple months back and felt like something was missing. This wasn’t a did I forget to eat last night (we’ve all had that feeling), it was more like this thing I’ve always had inside of me was missing. For a while, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I don’t usually get these feelings. I am usually very aware of how I’m feeling and identifying what’s wrong… sometimes to a fault. Anyways, I shrugged it off and went about the day.
This feeling of emptiness became more ubiquitous as the days went on and then one day someone asked me if I was excited about grad school. Problem located. I realized the thing that was missing was my desire to go to grad school and become a teacher. (I have wanted to be a teacher since fifth grade) Naturally, I assumed it was a phase, ignored the feelings and responded that I was very excited about grad school and couldn’t wait to teach. These feelings started surfacing in everything I would do. I would eat a sandwich and think, I like sandwiches. Speaking of sandwiches, do I really want to go to grad school? Well, I started praying about it and the mild feelings of emptiness started to grow into something a bit more serious. I started to slowly tell people close to me and after the initial shock, not going to grad school seemed to make more and more sense. I then decided to tell my mom which terrified me. The approval of my parents has driven many of the decisions I have made in my life. They have always been huge advocates for higher education, and have pushed my siblings and I academically. However, to my complete shock, the madre was also extremely supportive which made me even more confused. I also made a mental pros and cons list of becoming a teacher. Once I realized the cons far outweighed the pros, I felt very stuck. I started to diligently pray about it and wasn’t really receiving a red or green light from God. Well then my dear friend Christina prayed for me while I was at a church conference in Carbondale, IL and as she prayed for clarity I thought this was an opportune time to ask God His thoughts on grad school again. This time I could clearly hear God say “don’t go.” I knew there was just one last thing to do. I had to run it by my small group leader Mark and his wife Heather. Mark is an amazing guy and happens to be married to my best friend Heather. The chat was great and they were both very supportive of my decision. So, no grad school for Jess.
Well, that’s that. For the first time since fifth grade, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Isn’t it exciting?