Jessspence's Weblog

Crouching Tiger Hidden Snow Leopard

jessspence — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 17:39:09 +0000

On April 18th, I received one of the most generous birthday gifts… of all time. Fred, Renee, Michael, David and Julie all pitched in a got me an iPod touch. I couldn’t wait to take it home and load all of my music on it and do all the things you’re supposed to do on an iPod… play Angry Birds, melodramatically vageubook about life, and download a fist pumping workout mix. I got home and discovered that my new fandangled contraption was not compatible with Gatsby. Oh I’m sorry, I’m not sure if you remember Gatsby. You may recall him from an earlier post. Gatsby is my Mac and we have been a duo since fall of 2006. I was told that I just needed to upgrade my operating system to Snow Leopard, then I could upgrade my iTunes and then I’d be ready to rock and roll. And so it began…

I promptly went to the Apple Store and purchased Snow Leopard for $30. I was having trouble downloading, so I called my Mac pundit pal Sangwa for help. Unfortunately, over the phone nothing could be done, so I then dropped Gatsby off for a visit to my other Mac guru Jimmy and Gatsby stayed at his house for the weekend. When Gatsby returned, I was deeply saddened to learn that he didn’t have enough ram to download Snow Leopard so I would need to buy more ram. This option seemed a bit silly because as much as I love Gatsby, his age seemed to multiply with each passing day, and so I figured I would just forgo the Snow Leopard and buy a new computer in the near future. I mean, he could do everything else…The thought of buying a new computer stressed me out as I’m trying to get out of debt and buying a laptop didn’t seem at all productive toward that goal. But I knew God wanted me to wait, so I waited. Weeks turned into months and problem after problem arose. When something went right with Gatsby, an opposite reaction would occur shortly after. Well, when I wasn’t able to watch Jamie Oliver on Netflix, that’s when I had enough. I quickly went on Craigslist and put Gatsby up for sale. Nobody comes between me and my rosemary roasted chicken recipe.

Gatsby sparked a lot of interest so I knew there was just one thing left to do. Wipe him out. I found an interested buyer named Ernesto and told him I would meet him after I went to the Apple Store to get his memory erased. While I stood in the Apple Store, waiting for his memory to erase, nostalgia turned into regret and all of a sudden, I had made a huge mistake. What was I thinking selling Gatsby? Nothing good ever came out of acting on one of my fits. When the Apple guy came back with Gatsby he said “well, your Mac is all cleaned out.” It was finished.

On my way out, the Apple guy said, “Oh and you had a really old operating system on your computer.” Duh. “So I went ahead and upgraded you to Snow Leopard.” … In complete and dumb shock, I just said thank you and left. He did the impossible. It was this Snow Leopard Operating System that was the bane of all of Gatsby’s problems… and now it was fixed. I called up Heather and Sangwa to seek counsel on what I should do with this Gatsby 2.0. I then knew I had to do something un-fun. I had to call up Ernesto and tell him I could no longer sell Gatsby. I truthfully explained everything that happened and Ernesto eventually saw my side. Ernesto, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing well. I took Gatsby home and was able to do all of things I couldn’t do before. He and I were given a new lease on life.

This entire saga has made me realize that God is many things, including a comedian. But most importantly, God is here. In Gatsby’s 11^th hour, He saved Gatsby and He saved me from having to buy another computer. Like so many things in life, I didn’t need Gatsby, but what bomb.com thing for God to do.

This post is dedicated to all the people who helped me in this trying time with Gatsby. Special shout outs go to Jimmy Li and Sangwa Simfukwe for their unfailing IT support.

Home Sick

jessspence — Tue, 10 May 2011 00:45:21 +0000

Yes… It’s me. I’m home sick. Too tired and phloem-filled to go to work and too bored out of my skull to watch Adam Richmond gorge himself on another thing on Man v. Food. So here I am. Another sporadic blog from yours truly. I wish I had some life changing thing to share with you, but I don’t. Let me think of things going on in my life that are worth sharing…

Welp, let’s see… the first thing that comes to mind is my dad. About a month and a half ago, I got a call from my mom, that my father had another stroke. This was his second and much worse than the first. I’ll never forget walking into his hospital room for the first time and seeing his face underneath all the tubes, respiratory mask and tape. It wasn’t the man I knew. Not the man with the Irish temper, razor-sharp wit and hop on pop champ. I saw an old man who lay there helplessly as nurses and doctors poked and analyzed what I saw as certain fate. To me, I had already lost my dad. I was filled with sadness and confusion. I no longer felt the need to pray as I knew what was going to happen. I knew my dad was going to die. As I sat in his room watching machines force air down his lungs and pump fluids in his veins, I felt no right to ask God to heal him. I knew how lucky I was in having a father as amazing as him and that he had lived a full life. While the thought of seeing my mom go through this life alone absolutely stabbed me, I knew that my dad’s body would no longer be able to hold the heart I loved so much. I wasn’t mad at God, nor did I trust that He would heal my dad. I just knew whatever happened would happen whether I prayed all night or just sat there. While figuring out how I was going to tell my friends, I could feel something inside of me say more or less “ask for prayer, anyways. Even though you don’t believe, your friends will and that is enough.” This shocked me as I knew it wasn’t something I had thought of. I had already started the grieving process. I texted my friends asking them for prayer for my dad and I immediately was given encouragement, scripture, and hope. I, however, didn’t really feel any of it at the time. The image of my dad’s eyes filling with water as he helplessly seized on the bed was too much for me to have any hope…. but my friends did. I can’t recall the moment when my heart changed, but I can remember how it felt. One second I didn’t believe, and the next second I did. I had decided that the time for crying was finished. I was ready to suit up. I sat by my dad’s bed and tried to take an active part in what was going on. I learned about his medications and what all the numbers meant on various machines. Knowing what was happening helped me to feel not so helpless. By the grace of God alone, I was given hope. I knew He was going to heal my dad. The next few days were somewhat of a blur. I would text friends something that was going on with my dad and within a matter of hours, our prayers would be answered. It started when they took him off respiratory support… and then the feeding tube came out… and then he stopped seizing… and then he started swallowing… and then his heart rate and blood pressure stabilized… and then he sat up… and finally one day I got a call from my mom saying that my father had taken his first step. I still am completely baffled at how quickly my dad healed and what God was able to do when everything pointed to saying goodbye. I know that there is one reason and one reason only why my dad is still enjoying his nightly cups of Earl Gray… because God did it. He didn’t have to, but He did. All credit, glory and wonder goes to God.

So I guess this blog was a bit heavier than originally planned. Oops. But hopefully it offered some faith.

See you in another six months

Another old post I never published… sorry folks.

jessspence — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 05:36:06 +0000

Did you know a week is 168 hours? I googled it. Yes, 168 hours. If you think about it, 168 hours doesn’t seem that long. If you take sleeping/ eating/ and other personal necessities into account, then you really don’t have that much time… now, break it down and think of how many seconds that is… 604,800 (thank you Google, yet again). Taking this number into account with the knowledge that God can change your life in just one second, I now understand how He can change my life so much in 168 hours.

172 hours ago, I was just waking up from 4 hours of sleep to groggily drag my feet to the airport with Christina, Emily and Bethany. The previous week had been one of hardship, difficulty and bizarre events, which lead me to believe that I was in for something awesome. We were St Louis bound but ultimately headed for Carbondale, Illinois for the Summer Church Conference at Vine Church. I went last year, and you might remember, but it was last year at the Summer Conference where I felt like God told me to rescind my acceptance to the Masters program at SPU. Needless to say, I was a bit worried with what God was going to say this time, but I was ready… or so I thought. I walked off the plane with my travel buddies Julie and Emily and where we were slapped by the heat and punched by the humidity… to put it delicately. We met up with some other friends, had some authentic Midwest barbecue and then were Carbondale bound or bust. Julie, Melanie and I stayed with Emily H. I am still so grateful for her wonderful gift of hospitality and her willingness to open up her home to complete strangers. Thanks so much again, Emily, I know we all are so thankful for your kindness!

Okay, so now to the nitty-gritty. It’s hard to precisely express everything God did to me during the conference, but there are two things I know now more than ever.

Bullet Point #1: At the end of the day, regardless of what has happened, God is good. No exceptions… seriously. It seems like a “no duh” bullet point, but I don’t think I ever grasped the depth of such a simple truth… when I say no exceptions, I mean no exceptions. Even when things are a bid Job-shaded, He’s so good and even offers hope.

Bullet Point #2: God ALWAYS provides. I have always struggled with grasping God providing at all times, but this yet again is true. Always. While in the midst of eating my rice and orange chicken at the conference, I was asked a question that shook me to my core. Regardless of what the real question was, I heard God ask me “Jess, are you willing to give up everything? Give up everything and follow Me wherever that may be?” I initially answered repeatedly absolutely not. Me? Why ask me to give up everything? After good prayer and a lot of worship, I have decided to look at it from the standpoint of God asked me. He picked me… and that’s awesome. Whether I am in the same place for the next 80 years or living half way across the world, God will give me everything I need. He picked me.

Okay to confess, I never finished my earlier blog. It has been in my drafts since June… I was actually going to write a fresh blog, but thought this was good to share. In other news, I am now approaching our fall retreat. I find it terrifying and thrilling all at the same time. Well, now to write something new. I promise I will try not to stay so far away this time.

Miss Me?

jessspence — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 22:28:20 +0000

Hi friends… It’s been a while. I’m sorry I’ve been away for a while. My life has been very busy lately… I’m sure you get that a lot, but honest, it’s true. Here are some things that have been on my mind:

1.) It’s been very hot lately … Not unbearably hot, but hot enough to note that it’s been hot. I must confess, I am not one for the heat. To me, 75 degrees is tropical, so you can imagine my misery in this 90+ weather. If I don’t do anything and sit in my house, I sweat. If I am outside in the shade, I sweat. Where can I turn?

2.) There has been a recent resurgence in my quest for a healthier eating lifestyle. On Monday, I bought whole wheat tortillas for the first time. Last night I stared at them as they laid there on my counter thinking… who am I? This eating healthier business has produced one unfavorable side effect. I am starving all the time. Sometimes, I miss preservatives.

3.) I have recently gotten a new and improved phone (Blackberry Curve) and am really enjoying it. I was a little wary about becoming one of “those” people who are constantly on their phone even in the midst of conversation. (If you are one of these people, I make no apology) I have definitely noticed I’m on my phone a lot more, but I try to be very intentional about ignoring its endearing little vibrations and sounds when I’m with company. I really love the convenience of having internet on my phone and I don’t think I’ll ever go back. Once you go black(berry) you never go back!

4.) I REALLY like the song Got Your Back… listen to it, love it.

5.) God has given me some great freedom lately. You may remember about a year ago, I had a bit of a tiff when a certain Costco roasted chicken entered my life. Moral of the story, the chicken was way too much for me to handle as a young, single woman. To be honest, I think a lot of the frustration stemmed from being single and not having anyone to share my chicken with. Well, I am happy to report that I have enjoyed many roasted chickens and haven’t had any trouble finishing them on my own. I feel like God has really blessed me with freedom from lies of inadequacy I have believed my whole life. I honestly feel like a new woman and it is awesome. I have to give all the thanks to God… what a wonderful gift!

6.) Lately, I’ve been especially thankful for my friends. Friends who unconditionally love me, pray for me and walk with me (in the literal and metaphorical sense). So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So that’s life now for me. I can’t guarantee when I’ll be back, but I wanted you to know I’m alive and well… very well. I was touched to hear that my blog was missed and my scope of readers extended past my immediate relatives. So thank you for reading, and I am hoping to post more often as I get myself more organized. Who knows, maybe I’ll even post a picture with my blackberry… fancy!

Some Hearts

jessspence — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 19:30:28 +0000

A few months back, my good friend Maile asked if I wanted to go to the Carrie Underwood concert with her. I asked her how much the tickets were, since Carrie wasn’t my absolute favorite country singer.Maile said it would be my birthday present! How could I say no to such a thoughtful gesture? The only other thing I was concerned about was that I had never been to a big concert venue before and it worried me that the only view I would see would be a bunch of butts swaying back and forth… or even worse getting pushed into one of them. Vomit. Maile responded that she would protect me, I believed her. She is one of the very few people who I feel completely safe around. Mailes is a trained Federal Agent (<- is that right, Mailes?) and is very fierce about protecting the ones she loves… and let’s face it, she loves me. We arrived to the Comcast Arena and went to find our seats. Maile had said we had pretty good seats, so I was expecting that to mean we would most likely be able to see the stage from where we were. As we walked down the steps to the THIRD ROW I was shocked. We both sat with giddy smiles on our faces talking about our good friends Carrie, George and Reba. The opening band was Sons of Sylvia. Their pants were tight and the music was good. They were a mix of blue grass and rock. They aren’t normally a group I would listen to, but they were extremely talented nonetheless. Next came Craig Morgan, who is now one of my favorite artists of all time. If the concert had ended after him, I would have been satisfied. “Redneck Yacht Club” and “That’s What I Love About Sundays” were my two top favorite. You could tell that he loved performing and he had the ladies attention from 18 to 80 in the audience. Not too hard on the eyes and very easy for the heart. After Craig performed it was Carrie time. The stage canvases that were separating the front stage to the back dropped and it was show time. There were dozens of outfits, props and special effects, but nothing compared to that voice. Some of the songs she sang actually sounded better live than on the radio, which is a hard thing to do I feel, obviously, I can’t speak first hand.

So Maile, thank you for one of the best presents I have ever received. What a wonderful friend I have in you!

Hope Floats

jessspence — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 23:23:46 +0000

Hope floats… and no, I’m not talking about the Harry Connick Jr kind… I’m talking about God-given, warm your heart, and sometimes terrifying kind of hope. The kind that pulls you out of trenches and at times so afraid you just might throw up. Hope has been on my mind a lot lately… what is it really, where does it come from and do I dare have it when times are desperate? The reason I think hope really does float is because I have noticed when times have been the most dismal, hope always manages to emerge from the rubble. I have no idea how this happens, but when all signs point nowhere that always means God is up to something. Lately, I’ve been feeling a new freedom to hope. Growing up, to hope for something meant to gamble. I could hope for a new shirt for my birthday but there would be that chance of disappointment. But I would just hope anyways. As I’ve gotten older though and as the disappointments have mounted and become increasingly heart breaking hope has become a bit scary. I have always known hope comes from God, so I used to think “Well… what if that means it doesn’t happen? Does that mean that God isn’t there? Is He mad at me? Do I deserve happiness” These questions have often prevented me from hoping because I was afraid of what the answer to those questions might be. These past few years I have gotten in a funk of “Oh I really hope this happens… uh oh, I mean, I will expect that it won’t happen, then if it doesn’t I will be surprised!” Well… I have come to realize that this is the wrong way of thinking. This suggests that life is kind of by chance, when the truth is God’s got this. He has it all under control and so long as we have our hope in Him, everything will be just fine. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that there won’t be disappointment, tears and let’s face it, utter confusion. But I’m countlessly reminded God is good and disappointment is temporary. Heartbreak is temporary. Steve (my pastor at Blue Sky) said this past Sunday that it’s okay to hope for something to happen and even if it doesn’t God is still good. What a relief. So, I’d like to raise my glass to hope. Hope for good things for you and me and above all hope in God’s promise. I hope for a long life for my dad, I hope for a Godly husband, I hope for kids someday, I hope, I hope, I hope.

It is Well with My Soul

jessspence — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 22:24:54 +0000

Today has been a hard day. Something that has given me hope though is this verse which I have been reading throughout the day over and over again. I want to share it because I think it’s one of those verses that everyone should have memorized.

Romans 5:2-5

And werejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but wealso rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Reading this over and over has made me sure of this. Everything will be just fine… God is awesome.

Budding Promises

jessspence — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 22:49:03 +0000

Ever since God asked me to give up teaching, I have been aimless. Heather introduced this part of my life as the quarter-life crisis and that sounds about right. I have always been one of those people who need to know the next step. I dare say that my need to know the future flirts with neurotic tendencies. I think teaching was always such a comfort because I determined in 8^th grade that’s what I would do and from then on I never needed to think about it again… it was just fact. Well, you can imagine my dumbfounded brain when God said “No” to grad school. I gave it up without too much pushback but still have that dumbfounded look on my face thinking… now what? Each day I work, it becomes clearer that this not the job meant for me. I feel as though I am in the awkward place between obedience to God and pursuing happiness. In some respects I feel as though I am back in 3^rd grade dreaming up what I want to do when I grow up. The other day someone asked me to close my eyes and asked if I could be doing anything now what it would be. I closed my eyes, and I instantly saw flowers… many, many flowers. I saw flowers in Mason jars, clay pots, aluminum tins and rolls upon rolls of brown paper. I smelled a mixture of gardenia, rich soils and fresh-cut stems. From this image I can deduce that I was in a floral shop. Sadly, the flower business isn’t exactly what I would call blooming. Finding anything with any sort of benefits and pay comparable to what I make now has proven impossible which tells me that God’s got this. With this, I suppose we’ll see where He takes me. But for now, God has me here, and all I can do is pray, hope and wait… then repeat.

While I’m in the in-between though, let me give you a glimpse of what I see…

Domestic Much?

jessspence — Thu, 27 May 2010 19:04:39 +0000

The other day, one of my y chromosomed friends remarked, “I feel like every woman at Blue Sky knits, crochets or sews.” Some of my friends were quick to respond that they were not one of those girls. My response to this is, so what if you are? When did being domestic become a bad thing? I will admit, at first I was like some of you… Thinking it was some sort of desperate attempt to get a husband or an outlet to relieve some sort of awkward energy. And of course like everything, I am sure some people out there do it for those very reasons. However, this is not the rule. Today, I set the record straight on all things domestic. I think crocheting and the like are often mistakenly associated with meek and mild-mannered maiden folk. Crocheting, sewing, etc is a skill, plain and simple. It’s just like cooking or remodeling cars. There are the basics, but as you go you increase your ability, you are able to embark on harder projects to refine your talent. I am certain having these skills doesn’t diminish my identity as a strong, confident and educated woman of God. Instead of just watching a movie for three hours, I can crochet, watch a movie and by the time the credits roll, have a hat to show for it. I don’t plan on making a living out of this, but even if I did, what’s it to you?

Me… Organic?

jessspence — Thu, 20 May 2010 18:33:20 +0000

I love bacon. No, but really I do. The chewy, sweet savory combination is enough to make me smile and give my “mm hmm-amen” nod my head as I type. My work serves up some of the best bacon I’ve ever had- thick greasy cuts with usually a bit of a crisp at the ends. I started treating myself to bacon about two or three times a week, but then it became a full-blown addiction with two strips every day. It wasn’t long before I noticed my face break out and my apricot face wash was no match against these pork predators. I decided to stop cold pig, to see if it would make any difference. Within days, my face was back to its normal self and my apricot face wash was able to exfoliate with little pushback. Well, the temptation started to become too great, so I decided to try just one teeny tiny piece of bacon… the results were almost instant and the mistake was marked all over my face. A few days later, I was at Portage Bay Café and decided to get the Greek Omelet, which had cheese, bacon and spinach. The omelet was packed with peppered bacon and I was excited, yet saddened to know my skin would have to be the one to ultimately suffer the consequences. I ate the omelet with great ease, surprised at the lack of lethargy that followed. The next morning I woke up and noticed my face didn’t break out… what was this? Not even one of those quasi pimples? I went again to the café and ordered another dish with bacon (all for the sake of research of course) and it produced the same results or shall I say lack of. The most probable hypothesis I could come up with was that one was organic and the other was not… you can guess which is which. So this has all gotten me thinking about how real this whole organic business is. Should we be taking it more seriously? How does one even begin? Well, I have poked around and found a great start to this journey. Now I know it will be slow… and I probably won’t ever be all organic, but I can take organic baby spinach steps by shopping at places like Whole Foods and Trader Joes. And let’s be honest, sometimes you can’t even tell a difference and a little preservatives tastes good now and then. So we shall see… If you’d like to join me on this organic path, I welcome all friends. I am hoping to track my progress on here, but we know how that goes… So the next time you see me, feel free to ask me how the organic thing is going, it will give me some accountability and let me know you’re reading my blog which will make me like you even more.